just tell him i said nine months
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
