God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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