You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
