i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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