When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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