you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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