his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
