Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
