How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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