Ketchup is God's man juice
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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