my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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