oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
