I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
