I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize