He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
