we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
