I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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