I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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