I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
