all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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