I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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