I murdered the dance floor call the cops
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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