her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
