When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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