Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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