I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
