We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
