My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
