I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
