Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
