Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
