Your dad touched me again.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
