booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize