All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
