I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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