My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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