You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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