my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
