My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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