I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
