Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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