I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
