Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
