he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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