God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
