I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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