Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
