You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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