So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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