Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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