Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
