Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
